At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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