Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
