Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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