I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize