Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
