Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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