Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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