i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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