I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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