My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
