My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
