I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
