I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
dude. I can hear the air.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
