I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
