Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
