Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
