Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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