so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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