i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
