see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
