it was like eating out sand paper
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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