I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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