party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
