I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
