Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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