I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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