I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
