If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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