I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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