I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
