You were right. It hurts to walk today.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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