u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
