I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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