Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
