I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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