I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
