Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
