When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
