He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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