I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
