I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
