did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
