u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
