life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
