It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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