I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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