quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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