YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
