hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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