she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
