Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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