so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
