ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
