Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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