Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
