Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
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