At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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