my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
